I am not a thing, I have simply purchased it to better the outcome of my dream.
Moving is a confrontational sport. It stretches us to move outside the barricades of what we deem possible, comfortable and doable while being confronted with all things that we stuffed away in our closets for many years. As we slowly get rid of never used, unnecessary, meaningless and old objects, feelings of anticipatory grief take over as we are forced to let go of what has been and what was once ours. The pain comes in when we think that we are our possessions. That our bodies cannot transcend the value of the things we own and that our being is in and of itself not enough to hold a whole life. Quite frankly, I don't blame us for thinking this way. We are continuously bombarded with messages that feed, encourage and sow the seeds of a scarcity mindset. Our growing addiction to consumerism essentially goes unnoticed, as trends, ads celebrities, and content creators (are allowed to) curate our lives, identities and existence. While too many people can still not afford the bare necessities for their own survival - continuously longing for physiological needs like food, water, shelter, clothing & proper sleep - we continue to buy more things to make us feel more alive, more beautiful, wealthier or more valuable, even if it is just for one day.
As a result our rooms become smaller as they are stuffed with an overflow of items. It is precisely in this cycle that we often fail to recognize our own survival pattern in acquiring things as a deceptive prerequisite for belonging and worthiness. But we are not our things. I can’t say it loud enough; Owning is not synonymous to thriving, having is not equivalent to power and keeping is not by definition smart. If all, it has the tendency to disrupt the natural flow of life, by abstaining from acts like giving, releasing and letting go.
​Now, there is of course nothing wrong with buying into joy and aesthetics, we deserve that part of life as well. But are we actually doing that? Do we cherish the things or experiences that we have purchased or are we simply keeping up with what's hot? Do we genuinely know what we own and have accumulated over the years, or have we blindly signed a contract with overconsumption essentially missing the fine print on becoming possible hoarders? I think we all know the collective body of answers to that.
And this is not to say that letting go was somehow an easy sport before the increasing and loud programming of capitalism - hence my opening line. It has always been hard. Mainly because it requires us to invite change into our lives by releasing what we’ve gotten attached to over the years. What we once deemed as necessary or as an extension of ourselves must now go and that can be an extremely painful experience.
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It is therefore, not for nothing that the change of environment and housing never initiated my cries. Instead, the loss of my personal items sparked an overwhelming feeling of sadness, exhaustion, nostalgia, doubt and fear, ultimately paralyzing my own progress in decision-making. I no longer had it in me to view my move to Curaçao as an exciting opportunity to build a home. I was so suffocated by the grief of no longer owning what I once had, that I eventually started having panic attacks. Because am I making the right decisions? Should I just keep all my belongings as a safety net? Or should I just sell them? And if I sell them, am I in fact not letting go of too much of what I have not always been able to afford? But most importantly, If I have nothing, who am I?
"If I have nothing, who am I?"
HUMAN
flow
liberation
worthy
whole
power of less
abundance
"Back then no material thing could have exceeded my need for safety"
While juggling work and fitting my life into boxes and suitcases, I came to formulate this last fundamental question; If I have nothing, who am I? It brought me back to the time that my mother came into my room in the middle of the night, telling me that we were in fact leaving my father. The excitement I felt was unparalleled. I thought “finally!” So I stood up and was ready to leave everything and everyone behind but she quickly stopped me in my tracks and told me that we were in fact not leaving this very minute. She whispered, “Aqueene, it's the middle of the night, we can’t just go now. I have only made the decision, I still need to find a house and a full time job. Also, don't you want to go with your belongings? Like your clothes, your photos, your pencils…” Her words crushed me, ‘cause I had been waiting on this moment forever. How long did I still have to endure these violent and unstable dynamics at home? Why can’t we just leave now? A million questions went through my mind. Back then no material thing could have exceeded my need for safety. So no, through my eyes we could have left right then and there with absolutely nothing.
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What is a fresh start if we go with everything that we're used to and everything we had including all that burdened us?
It pains me to say that that reality has changed over the years. I have been in a scarcity mindset for too long thinking that if I get rid of things now, that I was to lose it forever. But how could my move to Curaçao have been a fresh start, if I went with everything that I was used to and everything I had including all that burdened me? It simply wouldn’t have. So in the midst of a panic attack I started writing and my own words made me understand the juxtaposition of letting go and abundance. I was reminded that the two are in fact inherently linked and that the world does not operate sustainably on only one. The same goes for moving and relocating. And once I had that shift in mindset, I slowly started believing that better, more intangible things were in store for me enabling me to reclaim my abundance. My liberation essentially became more attainable by learning the importance of giving and receiving, losing and gaining but especially also the way in which the universe shows up for us when we honor the power of less.
As such, I got rid of most of my belongings with the help of a close group of friends and I moved to Curaçao with the bare minimum. My life was basically stored in 2 suitcases and 2 handbags. No what-if items, no maybe-in-the-future items, just the necessary. I surrendered to the flow of life, despite the habitual cycle of holding on to what we know and have for dear life.
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Now all there is left to say is that when we learn to let go and invite change into our lives, the future essentially doesn't occur to us, but it is us who manifest it. And it is from that specific space that we come to see how a restart or a move might possibly be the best thing to ever happen to us. That emptying out our souls, homes and shelters might even return our dreams in double. And that will ultimately allow us to fully engage in the beautiful act of receiving, simply because we have made room for it, not solely in prayers but in our daily practices of release.
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