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Marrying a life rooted in happiness, glory, possibilities and purpose by moving to Curaçao.
A personal testimony on my move to Curaçao
It’s time to tell my story. I needed a few days to land and walk my feet through the Caribbean waters, before I had it in me to write my testimony. But here I am, exploring what it truly means to own your truth, reflecting on my gifts that radiate the ability to choose me even if that means leaving behind all that has become normal to me within the last 10 years.
During the months leading up to my departure, I was often asked why I decided to move to Curaçao and truthfully speaking that answer is as layered as my being. I still cannot give you an uncomplicated response. All I know is that it was a move that needed to happen as the time was ripe and so was my longing for a softer life. I understood that what I craved for was in fact attainable if I was simply willing to reach for it.
Though I am not trying to diminish my own bravery, I noticed that other people, also those with a similar experience, were maybe even more perplexed by my decision to leave than myself. The list of excuses to validate their own stay in a country oh so cold, just became ironic at a certain point. I have heard it all, from; “I have children”, “I need the opportunities here”, “My children are still in school”, “Curaçao is too small for me” to , “The arts sector is not very extensive there”, “I just don’t know where else I would live”, “ Well, I can’t just leave my job, can I?” Like are y’all collectively trying to convince me about your residence choices or yourselves? "Cause I am not asking you to do anything, simply sharing my truth and commitment to self.
It's interesting to witness how one personal decision has an effect on so many others. While I may not agree with some, I do understand where they are coming from. We have all been fed the narrative that countries in the West provide a better life than other parts of the world, especially when you come from Curaçao. We detest Dutch culture, and simultaneously raise and teach our kids that 'Hulanda' will provide an easier life. But based on what terms? What are we essentially giving away without realizing? How is our happiness being chipped away in exchange for a dream we actually never received. ‘Cause let’s be frank: the housing market is in shambles, homelessness is increasing, landlords screw you over, we never really earn what we earn with taxes taking most of our income, we basically work voluntarily at self scan checkouts, summer is shy and vitamine D actually needs to be purchased, curators claim titles but not the actual work, genocides are still supported by our government, “good morning, hello” or a nod seem to be too much to ask for and community is still only a word, not a practiced action within the cultural sector. So if we sum it all up, is this really the home you envisioned? Is this your devoted dream? Is this really worth romanticization?
"Most simply do not have the capacity to envision a better life for themselves (...) It all just comes down to the conditioned inability to give ourselves permission to live a life worth dreaming about.
Now this is not an attack. I clearly understand that we have all been trapped in this multifaceted rollercoaster. Some people even come from places that have far worse systems in place, but most simply do not have the capacity to envision a better life for themselves. Pressured to be humble about our own suffering and grateful for a minimum wage you essentially worked too hard for. It all just comes down to the conditioned inability to give ourselves permission to live a life worth dreaming about. A life rooted in happiness, glory, play, reflection, possibilities and purpose. A dedication to truthful living. ‘Cause what is life but a lie? How can it be filled with the act of living if all we do is mask our breathing with the country’s immaculate PR, using words like “free”, ”supportive”, “liberal”, and “progressive” as if rent is due.
"I am the designer of my own life.
I can arrange [it] the way I want to"
So once I had this beautiful but complicated revelation, I was able to slowly shift into a space where I realized that I am the designer of my own life. I can arrange my life the way I want to. No one is going to save me, I have to save me. I have to take myself out of harmful situations, or in this case countries. And this is not to say that the Netherlands is in and of itself a harmful place, but given the needs, characteristics, experiences and dreams that I embodied and desired, this particular space no longer gave opportunity to thrive, only to settle and starve.
In fact, I have spent the last few years stuck in a marriage of hardship, believing that struggle is subconsciously a part of my identity and dream. I was perpetually living in service of patriarchal and capital paradigms that harmed my body and soul so much, I was more sick than healthy. I was navigating the alienated reality shaped by the physical distance and cultural differences between my place of origin and place of residence making me feel alone and different - from spending holidays alone or in a family that looks nothing like me, to always getting remarks in workspaces about the food I bring to work without having the vocabulary to put a stop on it. I was quitting job after job, as I was being bombarded by the humongous mess and structural inhumanity that they upheld, trying to excuse their behaviors with paychecks and sometimes not even that. It all just became quite exhausting living this way and I haven’t even mentioned the gray, cold and bipolar weather antics.
These were however not my sole reasons for fleeing. And I use the word fleeing, not as an escape that I was too afraid to confront reality, but more so in the sense that I was consciously running away from a place of danger. The Netherlands started to do more harm than good. Harm outed in exhaustion, not good expressed as temporarily tiredness. Harm outed in stress., not good expressed as nervousness, energy and eustress. Harm outed in loneliness, not good expressed as solitude. Harm outed in financial trauma, not good expressed as financial healing, harm outed in toxic work environments, not good expressed as challenging and constructive work environments. Harm outed in sickness, not good expressed as recharging. Harm outed in chaos, not good expressed as spontaneity.
The suffering became increasingly more extreme and real that I had no other choice. That is the thing about hardships, when you are repeatedly and continuously beaten down, you are forced to reflect on your own patterns, choices and the role you play in your own suffering. This is where my deepening search for a light life began to take place as I couldn’t handle the years of emptiness, sickness and disappointment no more. There was an innerknowing that there was a better life for me somewhere. I no longer wanted to commit myself to that specific lifestyle and questions like “ what keeps me in the Netherlands?” started to pop up more frequently. In all my overthinking spirals and reflective moments I always ended up thinking about 2 things; work and home. The first one because I came to the Netherlands, to study, to create a career for myself and to manifest a creative ecosystem. But if I was not able to thrive creatively nor professionally what was I still to do in Rotterdam? And with the housing market so in shambles that you need to earn 3 times the rent to even get selected for a viewing for a 40m2 apartment, I quickly began to realize that The Netherlands could never mean home to me, at least not for the upcoming years.
Years of exhaustion redirected my life and led me here, divorced from “chosen” unhappiness and committed to a healthy, light and fulfilled life".
And so I made the decision to relocate to Curaçao. I decided that while we naturally avoid change and uncertainty, I would jump right in. While most people solely keep complaining about their lives, I would do something about it . And so I made the brave decision to move to a place where the art scene is not oversaturated, where people work extremely hard to make a living but the sun simultaneously forces you to slow down and take a breath. A place where I hold many memories, and where I am excited to dedicate my artistry, love and energy to my own people.
So years of exhaustion redirected my life and led me here. Divorced from “chosen” unhappiness and committed to a healthy, light and fulfilled life, while in the daily presence of the Caribbean sun. It's not easy, I still find myself paralyzed by the pressure to make something of myself. Now more than ever I have the opportunity to do life differently, naturally following what my heart desires and soul craves. But what if they're both blocked? Will I still have it in me to live out all the intentions that I had set for myself? Will I able to commit to the daily work of choosing me even when that is a tumultuous and ever-evolving journey of unlimitedness? There is only one way to find out.
Written by Aqueene Wilson
Published on September 14th, 2024
Contact: aqueenewilson@gmail.com
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